


Trying to Breath, Hoping I Won't

by mcr_rockstar



Category: Death Spells, Electric Century, LeATHERMØUTH, My Chemical Romance, Pencey Prep
Genre: Implied Relationships, Other, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 20:44:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcr_rockstar/pseuds/mcr_rockstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the present becomes too much, the end becomes a very valid solution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying to Breath, Hoping I Won't

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Title from an original poem, maybe song, by Frank Iero.

Present Day: Frank's Birthday

Mikey stood next to his brother, rubbing his back, while they cried. Ray was crouched next to a crying Bob, also crying himself. It had been a year since Frank had taken his own life. They were visiting his grave site for his birthday. Everyone shared stories until it became too painful. 

"I just miss him so much, Mikey. I should've saved him. I should've saw the signs. I loved him, and I never got the chance to tell him. To really explain to him what he meant... means to me." Mikey cooed at Gerard as he continued to rub his back. 

"We all miss him Gee, don't go beating yourself up, though." Ray said as he stood up and walked over to hug Gerard. 

"Yeah, Gee." Mikey said. "Besides, at least he's not hurting, anymore. We wouldn't want him in this world, hurting."

Bob looked up at Mikey with a disgusted face, "We could've helped, had we known! What do you mean, at least he's not hurting? We're hurting! We are all hurting! You don't go do any of the stuff you guys used to do, together, anymore! Gerard barely comes out of his room, and when he does he looks like hell, from crying! He barely eats, anymore! He's lost a good ten pounds! He doesn't even draw anymore, because, Frank was his muse! Ray and I don't play music, anymore, because that's what we did, with him! So there is no "at least he's not hurting anymore", because we're hurting! And I hate him for what he's done! He was like Ray's brother and all Ray does is mope around! It's, horrible. We were all his brothers and we could've helped had he told us."

Ray walked back to the tombstone, and ran his hand back and forth over it, as if coddling Frank's head. "How can you even say if he would've told us? We can't even call ourselves brothers, can we? We should've known, like Gerard said. We should've saw it. If we were as close, as you just pointed out, then why didn't we see, huh? Why were we so blind?"

"Look, Ray... I don't know. All I do know is that we still have each other, and the last thing we need to do is blame ourselves, or each other. The last thing we need is to walk away without Frank, and each other. We need to stick together. We need to pay attention to each other. Most of all, though, we need to confide in each other. Ray, Bob, Gerard, I love you all. I don't wanna lose you guys." 

They all nodded in agreement. Gerard walked over and hugged Mikey, "We love you too, Mikes. Come on guys, let's open the champagne. Frank always said, "the party must go on". So let's get it started." They all gathered around the tombstone with smiles on their faces. Bob popped the cork on the champagne and waited as it spilled out. They all took a glass from Bob, once he poured, then passed them. They poured on for Frank and sat it on top of the tombstone. 

Mikey went in the middle of the crescent they'd formed, and held his glass up, "Happy Birthday, Frankie. We miss you terribly."

**********  
14 Months Ago: Frank's Suicide

I'm staring in the mirror at the person before me. I hate myself. My life is happy, but still I'm so dead inside. I can't figure it out, and these pills no longer work. The alcohol and weed doesn't either. At night I lie awake, thinking, trying to figure out, just what's bothering me so much. In the end, I always end up crying, or staying up until I pass out, from sleep deprivation. I have headaches all the time and Gerard pinpoints it's cause I don't sleep much. He doesn't know that I'm haunted. No one knows. 

I open the medicine cabinet and look at all the bottles. Cutting hasn't been doing much for me, anymore, either. As I stated these pills don't. Maybe though, just maybe, if I take enough, it'll do exactly what I need. What I dream about, and what I want most. Will anyone really miss me? My Mom doesn't even remember me, due to Alzheimer's and my Father died a year ago. I don't have a significant other and the guys all have each other. I can say, though, that I'll miss Gerard a hell of a lot. He'll eventually get over it, though. Everyone will. 

No one even notices I'm hurting. I guess I can't blame them, though. I'm so good at lying and hiding the truth. I hate myself. I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad. I want, no, need, to be loved. I'll admit, I have an amazing job. Awesome friends, and I even have musical opportunities. I don't have love though. I'm tired of waiting for it too. I'm not brave enough to go get it. My friends love me but it's not the same. I'm going to be 28 this year and I still haven't fallen in love. I haven't had anyone fall in love with me. No one ever will, either. He never will. 

I pull out two bottles of pills, 600 grams in dosage, and take 5 from each bottle. My hands are shaking and I'm sweating. I've always had a problem taking pills, so it's funny this is how I choose to do it. I take one, two, three. Then I sit down. I stand back up and look in the mirror. Nothing seems to be changing. I take pill number four, followed by six. After a few minutes of staring I take pill number seven and eight. Hey, look at me. This is becoming easier. I sway a little and fall on the toilet. I slump and reach for pills nine and ten. I take them then fall to the floor. 

I crawl into my room and pull myself up with the help of my dresser. I open my junk drawer and look at everything sacred to me. Funny I always called it that, but everything in it means something to me. I find one random pill sitting inside and take that one too. Because, why not? I scramble around and find a photo of Gerard and I at Mikey 25th birthday party. We looked so happy. We looked like love. I start crying as I walk to my bed with said picture in hand. I lay down and whisper "I love you Mom. I love you Dad. I love you Mikey and Ray. I love you Bob. But most of all I love you Gee. I'll miss you terribly." I kiss the picture and hold it to my chest. I slowly start to drift off. I suddenly hear a door being closed and voices. Gerard shouts, "Hey, Frank! Where are you? We want to take you out and... Frank? Frank!? Oh my God! Mikey! Ray! Mikey! Somebody! Help! Someone save him! *sob* What did you take, Frankie? What did you do? Why did you do this?" 

I try to talk but he shushes me. "Just try to breathe." "What the fuck happened!? Call an ambulance." Mikey shouts as he rushes to the bathroom. Ray places the call as Bob run to the bed next to Frank. "Come on , Frankie. Hang in there." Mikey comes out of the bathroom with the bottles in his hand. "He took these. Obviously, I don't know how many, but they're 600, and he's really far gone." Gerard begins to sob again as he holds Frank's hand. He shifts on the bed and places Frank's head in his lap and he rocks back and forth. "Please, don't leave me Frankie. You're all I have left to live for. I love you."

I try so hard to ask him what he means. I try to squeeze his hand but I fail. He's crying and I'm dying. I see the end. I try to breathe but I don't want to. So I stop trying. I let go. Last thing I hear is the ambulance sirens approaching. And finally... I'm feeling fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> *mcr.rockstar, xoxo*


End file.
